Greetings, citizens of Super Earth! Welcome to another exciting weekly report in Helldivers 2, where we touch upon all things Helldivers. This week, we look back at some of the biggest news stories that broke within our political community, including spotlighting a hero, updating our favorite planet, and putting a name to the biggest threat to democracy.  Here’s your weekly Helldivers 2 report. 

Disclaimer: Images and written work are created for satirical purposes to fit an imaginary community-driven narrative around the Helldivers franchise. Though the news is very real, the “plot” written for each piece is made up and should be taken as such. The news behind each written piece is credited and externally linked for viewers to read further to provide accurate context.

Helldiver Becomes Local Hero, Inspires Many More to Sign Up 

In some heartfelt local Super Earth news, a Helldiver recently returned from the war to visit their hometown. Upon arrival, the Helldiver, who bears a Dolphin marking on their uniform, heard cries of a stranded cat stuck in a tree. Residents quickly flocked to the cat’s aid, though given the height the cat was stuck at and the life-threatening risks that accompanied it, they were frozen with fear.

That was until the Helldiver stepped in, showing an act of courage and bravery that not only saved one life that day but inspired many others to join in on the war efforts, potentially saving millions in the process. 

it’s enough to make a grown Helldiver cry
byu/Sauron69sMe inHelldivers

Recruitment is up 10,000% after this valiant act of bravery. The Helldiver will be awarded the highest level of honor before being shipped back to Malevelon Creek in our growing efforts to reclaim the planet from the Automatons.

A word from our Super Earth leader urges veteran Helldivers to be kind to the recruits and to show them the ropes. Like our local Helldiver leader, lead by example, and maybe one day you’ll thank that recruit for saving your life. 

This. Help new players. Show them the ropes. Fight together. Don't be a facist. pic.twitter.com/xorzotoH13

— Pilestedt (@Pilestedt) February 29, 2024

Democracy Has a New Threat, and His Name is Joel

Over the last week, the Intelligence Community of Super Earth revealed that after years of investigation, they’ve finally decided who may be behind the galactic curtain. For decades, Super Earth has been at war with numerous factions, and though we’ve known what the threat looks like, we’ve never known who exactly orchestrated these attacks. 

That all changed this past week when hard evidence was presented (by fellow Helldivers at PCGamer) before the committee, resulting in a breakthrough and confirmation of the sole being pulling the strings behind the scenes. Prepare yourselves, as it’s a name you’ll quickly grow to hate, as this unknown entity goes simply by “Joel.”

As one might have expected, that name has quickly spread across the globe, as has Super Earth’s intricate communication network. This has had some dire results, as a manhunt has begun to search for this individual, with arrests arising for individuals named Joel. 

While it’s true that a traitor could be in our midst, it’s important to remember that the enemy will do and say anything, as we as a society must remain strong in the face of uncertainty. This “Joel” person may not even be a human and could be an advanced Terminid or an Automaton. Let’s not forget about The Illuminate, a race of highly intelligent beings we fought in previous wars. Though they’ve reseeded back to some unknown parts of the galaxy, the threat of them coming back is still one that we’ve been preparing for. 

Let’s hope that whoever or whatever this Joel thing is gets quickly found, and the full hammer of sweet liberty justice is taken down upon them. 

Live Report From the Battlefield – An Update on Malevelon Creek

I am coming to you live yet again from the battlefield of Malevelon Creek. Since we last spoke, the Automatons had begun their invasion, murdering and enslaving residents of the planet, who I must point out were fellow Super Earthians. Thankfully, the calls have been heard, with the Helldivers swiftly deployed to the planet. However, though the Helldivers have been holding and reclaiming bits of the planet, the Automatons have proved formidable foes, with countless lives lost, 

A battalion of Helldivers, led by a recently promoted commander who wore a dolphin marking on their suit, was dispatched recently and seen taking on one of the Automatons’ camps. However, we have not seen or heard from the battalion since, including its commander, outside of reports of a loud explosion, the sky lighting up, and a mushroom cloud appearing near where the battalion was heading. 

Those who have managed to come back are being treated for extensive injuries, though some aren’t as lucky as the psychological toll has proven to be much. They may have returned from the war, but their minds are still roaming the warzone. Super Earth is doing all it can to accommodate these soldiers, with daily medical supplies being sent to ensure these Helldivers get the best treatment possible. 

We have the folks at home to thank for those supplies, as without your support, the Helldivers could never do what they do, and that’s spreading freedom everywhere they go. 

Though with more efforts now being put into capturing Malevelon Creek, many other planets have started to see a pushback, with ground slowly being lost to the enemies. We’ve made progress on Malevelon Creek, but it has come at the cost of opening ourselves to threats on other planets. The Galactic Status Map shows a positive trend going upwards, but we need more Helldivers to combat the offset of divers being allocated to Malevelon Creek. 

Thankfully, recruitment recently soared by 1000% thanks to a local hero from Super Earth who saved a cat in need. Will it be enough? We’ll have our full report next week, but things are already starting to look bright. 

Till next time. TOGETHER. FOR. LIBERTY.

About Helldivers 2 Weekly Report

Helldivers 2 Weekly Report is a new series set to bring a narrative take to the Helldivers universe, blending in-game events with real-world news around the game, in a satire propaganda take. Every week, we’ll report and summarize the biggest news stories in the form suited for residence of Super Earth.