The Three Worst Types of Online Gamers

Forget about griefers, team-killers, cheaters, rage-quitters, and perverts. Their baneful presence in the gaming world pales in comparison to the following groups of players. These men are the true scourge of the online gaming community:

3. The Mouth Breather

The Mouth Breather is one of the primary reasons I either don’t use a mic online, or instantly mute everybody but my friends. It’s shockingly difficult to employ any sort of strategy or teamwork when Darth Vader is slowly beatboxing in my ear. Judging from some of the horrifying sounds emitting from Mouth Breather’s mics, I think the manufacturers should start pasting a label on headsets – “Not for Internal Use. Do Not Ingest.” If running to capture a flag in Call of Duty causes you as much physical torment as actual running, you should probably see a doctor. Breathe through your nose like a normal person, take the mic out from between your molars, and have some respect for your fellow gamers.

2. The One and Done

The One and Done gamer believes his game of choice to be the greatest multiplayer game of all time, even though (or maybe because?) it’s the only one he’s ever played. Listen, I know gaming is just a hobby – play however and whatever you like. But don’t claim that Homefront is the best multiplayer game ever made when the only games you own are Homefront, Kirby’s Epic Yarn, and Pokemon SoulSilver. That’s like my nephew claiming that Phineas and Ferb is the best TV show ever made, because he likes to watch Phineas and Ferb. The worst part is that One and Doners never shut up about their game. This is an actual conversation I had last week with a One and Doner:

OaD: “I saw you were playing Space Marine. What is that? You play the weirdest games.”

Me: “Warhammer is like 30 years old, dude.”

OaD: “Well, Reach is still the best!”

The best what? How is this a contest all of a sudden? How would he know? He’s never played any other games – his game history includes Halo: Reach, Jurassic: The Hunted, and Avatar: The Last Airbender. That’s it. If you only play one game, that’s fine, One and Doners, but until you have experienced some gaming variety, leave the unfounded and incessant opinions at home.

1. The DJ

The DJ thinks he’s the cat’s pajamas. He prides himself on his ability to choose just the right song to blare over his mic during any given multiplayer scenario. DJ, if I wanted to listen to 3rd rate dubstep remixes of Lou Bega songs, I would do so. For the record, I don’t. So stop. It seems as if The DJ honestly thinks the only way to improve a taut online battle between our nation’s past presidents and brainthirsty zombies is to make absolutely sure all players involved are aware of Maroon 5’s moves, and how much they resemble Jagger’s. DJ, I’m thrilled you are a fan of the arts. However, for the sanity and mood of your fellow gamers, please wear headphones, or wait until the game is done. The only thing worse than The DJ is the dreaded Trifecta – a mouth-breathing DJ who lauds his game above all others.

Thanks for reading, and let me know in the comments what online behaviors really grind your gears.

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27 thoughts on “The Three Worst Types of Online Gamers

  1. This is the first article i actually disagree with on mp1st…. :/

    Don’t get me wrong i also believe these “types” of gamers aren’t my most favourite, But i wouldn’t say they are the worst.

    And your idea on them doesn’t strike me as that bad. There are alot worse imo…

    1. Yes, there are far worse. However, my purpose was humor (I may have failed, haha). I don’t think it would have been unique/funny if I just talked about the types of gamers everybody already knows they hate. Thanks for the feedback.

  2. You missed the absolute worst of all. I’ve had the bad luck of playing with about 30 different guys who have screaming babies right beside of them. They act like they never even hear the kid, but everyone else sure does. I mean come on if your kid is screaming cut off your mic.

    1. Oh, man, that’s the first type that I agree I should have added – The Blissfully Ignorant Parent. Thanks.

    1. Those guys are bad, but they’re intentionally being jerks. The 3 I listed are just completely ignorant as to their idiocy and annoying nature, which makes them worse for me, haha.

  3. Also – I obviously meant “Homefront” and not “Homeland.” Been seeing that preview a lot, and made a slip.

  4. I agree with all 3 of these, but the far worse ive ever had to game with is a kid arguing with their parents, that they need to finish this raid or want to hit a certain level instead of doing their homework. And second is the guy that has the complaining girlfriend or wife. I was playing LOTRO with dude who had a wife that HATED mmo’s. She kept calling it the other woman and screaming at him to either get off the computer now or get off when hes done and pack his stuff and get out. These are the 2 worst people ive experienced playing with. But your list is rather annoying as well.

  5. i agree with you, i happened to play a FPS while we were using voice chat, suddenly one of my guild mates logged in and started to make an awfully creepy sound while we were playing. It was the creepiest sound ever and annoying (it was a mixture with his normal breathing and a snort… creepiest thing ever! :l i was like if you are going to laugh laugh like a normal person D: ) he kept doing that sound all the time!! until i mute everything :l

  6. the most annoying person i ever came across was i was playing a m rated game i dont rember what type it was cuz of how bad the expris was it was some 11 year old high pitched kid going omg omg omg omg omg its like holy crap. but with the hole time of haveing them sound like the chipmunks on crack and saying how there games give them nightmares its like o dear god what parent did this sh** and gave there child these game mabe just to make are lifes a liveing hell

  7. Those type of gamers are a pain but none are worse then cheaters. The largest group of cheaters are “gold farmers”. They use bots to farm gear/gold which is against the rules and most of them have hacks. They also have bots that spam up all forms of chat. So Cheaters- gold farmers – Site Spammers are the worst then its the “The Blissfully Ignorant Parent” nothing kills the mood like a screaming kid who you can’t shut up.

  8. To be honest you missed 1 type of gamer.

    The (” I play like crap but i know everything and am so amazing and i might as well claim that the opponents suck to”) type.

    If you are so damned good that everyone sucks (including your opponents) why are you losing? 😛

    That means 1 good player (himself) + lets say 4 bad players are playing vs 5 bad players, shouldn’t he be winning according to that math ? ^_^

    Guess some people are just born with a few braincells less then the average goldfish.

    1. Just because someone is really good, and their team is losing, against crappy players because his teammates are crappier, doesn’t mean that that guy sucks at the game. Its entirely possible to go 30-10 and still lose because your team sucks. Of course all it takes is one good player to turn things around as well.

      i guess my point is. A really good player with bad teammates, can still lose a game against a team of really bad players. It all depends on the game mode, the organization of the other team, and the willingness to take direction by your team.

  9. “t’s shockingly difficult to employ any sort of strategy or teamwork when Darth Vader is slowly beatboxing in my ear. ” I completely agree,funniest line ive read in some time.!

  10. The singing kids…… God… The singing kids…… The singing kids… Nothing more annoying than those godawful singing kids….

    1. Yes, they are awful. They’re like DJs, but don’t have the common decency to at least use a professional’s music, so they make their own.

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